Warning: this particular piece is raw and written from the heart, because that is where I am at this station in life.
We all go through things in life. Good, bad, surprising, horrible, fortunate, unfortunate. For a long time in life, I was fortunate. I am so, so, SO lucky and blessed to be an integral part of a large extended and close-knit family. I was as close with my parents as an adult child could ever be. I have friends, plural, who could more accurately be described as family members.
Life has a funny way of balancing itself. With the fortunate, comes the unfortunate…the good with the bad. After many years of fortune, my father was diagnosed with a rare and fatal cancer in November 2012. One day he was healthy and robust, and quite literally 3 days later he was fighting for his life. He spent nearly 2 years fighting before the disease claimed his physical form. September 2014…devastation. That is the only way I can describe it: complete and utter devastation. Again, I am fortunate that I have many close family members and friends to draw strength from. Yet less than two months later I lost another person, whom I loved and considered to be a sister, to an utterly senseless and surprising act of domestic violence.
Loss has a way of forcing life to assert itself. You feel as though you are trapped in a black hole, yet you have to cook dinner for your children. You feel as though you cannot possibly get out of bed, yet the dog needs to go out or someone is knocking on your door. You feel as though you cannot cry one more tear, yet there you are-crying 1,000,000 more. You lose all motivation to do anything except that which is necessary to your survival, yet there it is: YOUR SURVIVAL. You are going on. Whether you want to or not. Whether you are facing loss of life, mental illness, eating disorders, disease, ANYTHING…it brings into focus the life you are living. Consider the old cliché: Live life to the fullest. It is a cliché for a reason! Live each day with no regret, to your fullest extent. If your loved one left tomorrow, would they know how you felt…or would you have regrets? I have no regrets. Although it hurts due to profound loss, I choose life. I choose to live to my best ability each day (and trust me, “my best ability” absolutely depends on the day!!!)…this is the beauty of choice and free will. Make your choices with love in your heart. Engage thoughtfully in your actions with love in your heart. Above all, love yourself!
Which brings us to size 8.
Who in their right mind is unhappy about being a size 8? Well, the fact remains that the original title of this blog was “Life, Loss, and size 6.” An honest moment with myself changed the title. Months of grief-stricken sadness and zero motivation have taken their toll on my physicality; but I am – SHOCKINGLY – ok with this. It’s about being comfortable with who I am and where I am in life…and the size of my jeans does not define this. It is about my overall health…physical yes, but especially mental. I am healing. Slowly, slowly, slowly. EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOWLY. HEALING CANNOT BE RUSHED. No matter the circumstances! Each day is a fight, from start to finish…but each day is also a gift. You will learn, as I have learned, that you are a fighter. Consider today, not tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. We need to make it through TODAY, in the most honorable fashion we can achieve. This brings us to another cliché: one day at a time. Most of the time, ONE STEP only. One foot in front of the other until you reach your destination. We can do this; we will do it together. The circumstances that brought you here, in this moment, are irrelevant. You are here. You are considering. Are you with me?